Own what you're chasing
How authenticity in our pursuits can help us uncover our values
Summer break has commenced and while kids get a break from school, parents are grinding away at work, family responsibilities, and all the other requirements of adulthood, which can drain the last bit of joy from our weary souls. Even though I’m in higher education, I still teach through the Summer so having my kids at home for a couple months tends to feel (way) more chaotic than other times of the year.
I feel like this Summer I’ve recognized it more acutely. A month ago, I sat down to create a spreadsheet in the hopes of developing a routine that would obviously calm the chaos, provide substantial entertainment, and give my kids a Summer filled with enriching activities. Then, once Summer started, I wondered: What am I thinking?!?
My kids are perfectly fine digging in the yard for worms, building forts with sheets, and playing dress-up. Where is this feeling of personal obligation to step in for my kids coming from?
For me, it nearly always comes from a locus of control. The second things feel like they’re going off the rails (although they never are) and I panic at the realization of my increasing responsibilities coupled with a house buzzing with energy (read: mess + noise), I want to micromanage everything. Because taking on MORE responsibility in an effort to combat my anxiety…. about… responsibility… makes total sense.
Pre-kids, my husband and I were minimalists. We lived in a small, 1920s cottage with only what we needed. We also lived really frugally. It allowed us to become debt-free and fund our infertility journey. Most importantly, it left us with this feeling of lightness that was indescribable. Our closets contained only clothes we loved and wore routinely. We ditched our TVs for books and meaningful conversation, and as we decluttered we made more room in our lives for worthwhile pursuits.
After finding out we were pregnant with twins, we had the best possible intentions as we prepared for their arrival. We thought we were still holding tightly to those values, but the fear and worry about TWO tiny babies got the best of us as first time parents. The stuff crept in and as they grew, the lifestyle creep did, too. When we moved from the house we brought them home in to the house we live in now, we could. not. believe how much stuff we had taken on. Even after passing on so many items to friends who were expecting, we were inundated with stuff that we had rarely used.
So, last week, as I sat there looking at my spreadsheet, in all its color coded glory, I realized I needed to do some soul-searching and get clear on what I’m after in this new phase of life with active little kids. I just finished Joshua Becker’s book Uncluttered Faith and was deeply convicted on how much the management of my current situation was detracting from the opportunities right in front of me:
spending intentional time with my kids, regardless of what activity they’re doing
planning nourishing meals served with the opportunity for intentional connection
supporting others outside of the work I do in the fitness space
connecting with friends in-person: grabbing a coffee, park play dates, walks, etc.
In his book, Becker mentions a quote from the theologian William Carey that essentially says: instead of fearing failure, we should fear a life spent pursuing things that don’t matter. When I heard that, I had to literally pause the audio book and take it in.
Whether or not you have kids or you’re a person of faith, you know this to be true: We’re all chasing something. The best part is that you get to decide what’s meaningful to you. But, with that comes the necessary and often uncomfortable process of periodically reevaluating our life and how closely we are (or aren’t) aligned with that goal.
Within that evaluative process, if we don’t own what we’re currently chasing, we won’t be able to calibrate our values. Often, we subsequently find ourselves on a completely different course wondering how we ended up so far in the other direction.
A few things I’ve found myself chasing over the years:
vanity by purchasing clothes or other items that I was convinced would make me feel like a more put-together human
distraction from challenging circumstances by more mindless purchases
identity through so many self-help, goal, and achievement oriented lenses. Turns out, therapy is a much better route to help you process this.
validation - which resulted in so much fawning/masking and then questioning everything when I didn’t receive a response that I felt was favorable enough
professional achievements by taking on so much extra work in the hopes of proving my worth. (This was especially bad when I was teaching but didn’t yet have my doctorate. The hustle was real.)
the approval of others by wasting way too much time caring what other people think. 95% of the time, no one is even paying attention.
fitness-related achievements (times, paces, body composition, etc.) by doing activities I hated and maintaining strict exercise schedules that made me view fitness as transactional or punitive for things I ate or “rest” I took. (I was really unkind to younger me in many ways, but this avenue was probably the roughest. It’s why I am so deeply intentional about the way I teach and train now.)
I’m not saying any of these are bad. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look a certain way, climb a corporate ladder, or train for an event. I’m saying that for me, specifically, over the years I allowed these pursuits - ones that had become artificially ingrained in my values system- to consume far too much of my energy and well-being.
As a parent, my kids are constantly shaping the person I am becoming. I find it to be one of the greatest parts of motherhood. This refinement, in itself, requires me to be incredibly mindful about what I am teaching them both directly and indirectly. The line between my personal identity as a woman, but also my identity as a mom is becoming increasingly blurred in the best way as my kids shape me into someone I didn’t even realize I was capable of becoming - someone who is far more empathetic, intuitive, and deeply emotional. (Never saw that one coming.)
I’m addressing this current detour both physically and psychologically. I’ve been working the past week to ruthlessly declutter my house. Admittedly, I had a head start on this, since our youngest is 3 and we’ve passed along all of the baby items. Still, as I’ve gone through all the rooms, I’m finding things to donate or toss. Less things to manage = less time spent cleaning and organizing = more meaningful time to do what matters.
In addition to the physical removal of stuff, I’m doing a bit of soul work to see what I’m still chasing. This looks like journaling, unsubscribing from emails that convince me I need a new product, and creating additional hoops to jump through so I don’t take the easy route of avoidance.
It’s important to add: this isn’t just about stuff. It goes without saying that you can use anything - seemingly healthy or not - to waste time, create artificial joy, or fix a problem in your life. (Exercise addiction is real.)
There are still areas in my personal life that I may be trying to fix or heal with schedules or achievements or stuff. It’s not an easy, nor quick process, but it’s a necessary one to learn more about ourselves and pursue what authentic living looks like to us in the process.
If you are interested in exploring additional resources on minimalism:
In addition to Uncluttered Faith, Joshua Becker has a few other great books on minimalism that I recommend: The More of Less and Things that Matter.
The Minimalists’ documentary is always a winner.
Courtney Carver’s Project 333 was my very first step into minimalism all those years ago.
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Deeply personal and eloquent! I'm glad I'm on this journey with you. Thanks Simply Fit!